Um, What?

Remember the freezer that would not open?  Well, I carefully removed the molding so that I had full access to the freezer.  It stayed that way for about a week.  I brought some questions to the service HD about the measurements that were done and why the freezer didn't have enough room.  The builders came out and replaced some cabinet doors that were painted a little funky.  They were supposed to be checking out my options for the molding around the door.  When I came home from work I saw that the molding had been placed back around the door frame.  I just started to laugh.  Once again...I have no access to the freezer.  This was last week.  I have to admit, I haven't taken the molding off again.  The idea is just exhausting.  So, once again I look at the freezer and think....hhhmmm.  I will put that off for another day.

This week was not a great weight week.  On Saturday I had spent 10.5 hours in the yard.  That is equivalent to 3000 kcalories in one day.  It didn't help.  I gained 1 pound.  Oh well, I didn't really eat junk, but I know that with big workouts I tend to gain weight (weird).

The Countdown

So, I decided that I would keep myself motivated and those who are interested updated on my progress.  On the right I have added my official countdown.

When at First You Don't Suceed: Try, Try Again.

I know that my weight is going to be a continual struggle.  It seems that almost every time I have a personal struggle (not necessarily life threatening), I tend to put it back on.  Sometimes I do well for a few years, others it is months.  I am hoping that I can get on a roll and then with therapy keep it that way.  So, back to the drawing board I go.

After talking to my mom, she used her detective, online skills and sent me an email about where she thought I should head- Get In Shape For Women.  I didn't let myself stew on it for too long.   I called them up and set up an appointment for later on that week. It was an interesting process because they won't accept everyone.  I went to exercise with them, answered lot of questions, and then was accepted into the programs after signing an agreement that I would stick to the meal plans.  So, out the door I went to start working on eating well, going to the gym, and be accountable for what I do.

Following this plan, which includes:

No white flour
No white sugar
No white rice
100 grams of protein
Limit sugar
Drink at least 64 oz of water
Eat approximately 1300-1600 kcal

This has been interesting to do without a fridge, stove, kitchen sink, or practically anything.  This last week I did get a freezer that is in my basement.  I have now had several Kashi (whole grain, whole food) frozen meals and some meat cooked on a George Foreman grill.  I have been drinking protein shakes and eating Greek yogurt with berries.  Don't worry there are some greens and oatmeal in their too.  I am not sure how much I weighed at the beginning (a little over a week ago), but I know that from last Monday to this Monday I lost 7 lbs.  Yay me!  Here we go again, but at least this time I have people who know my name, are expecting me to show up, and also send me texts.  It is true I am paying them, but it is kinda nice to have cheerleaders.

Cycles

My life goes through cycles.  I am not sure how often this happens to everyone else, but I am currently in the book reading stage of my coping cycle.  It is kind of like the chicken and the egg conundrum, I am not really sure what comes first.  So, I will just start with the self-pity stage.  It seems that life becomes difficult and then I have a very difficult time relating to others, or convincing myself to do anything.  Then eventually there is a lull in the number of terrible things and my poor ability to deal with the circumstances.  Over the past year and a half the amount of time I have spend in this stage has been more than I would like to admit.
After this stage ends then I move onto the book reading stage.  This stage is filled with less self pity, but still an acute awareness of the loneliness of living alone and the lack of social interaction with friends or family.  Part of the reason for this loneliness is directly correlated to the previous cycle.  It is difficult to keep friends close when you can't relate to them and have difficulty convincing yourself to spend time with people.  I know that there are people out there who will feel guilt about the loneliness and my other feelings, but I don't believe that is the fault of other.  Humans are built to think of themselves and their families first. Plus who wants to hang out with someone who is unhappy?  So, here I am hanging out alone (in the circumstances I have created for myself) filling up my time reading book which become my friends.  I think that this is why I read so much as a child.  I have always struggled to connect with others.  So, I read and become drawn to the characters, relating to them and being engulfed in their stories, which decreases my sense of isolation.  Therefore, I feel like the book reading stage is not necessarily a bad thing.  Plus, my brain gets smarter...at least I think?!??!
Next comes the self motivated stage.  Suddenly when it is least expected I will be filled with unbelievable motivation.  Filled with enlightenment and energy I feel like I can take over the world.  This stage of the cycle I cannot seem to force and then of this stage is also unexpected.  Something emotionally difficult to manage comes along again and suddenly I am filled with self loathing and depression once again.
I wish that my entire life could be spent with the feeling of fulfillment and self motivation, but I suppose that my Father in Heaven has to present me with struggles in life to appreciate my accomplishments.  I am hoping that after I start teaching classes at the beginning of July that I will move back into the 3rd stage.  I am sure that I will be spending most of my life fighting to be in the self motivation stage.

Can't Wait to be Doris Day

Today I resigned from my job after over 1 month of agony.  I have joined the ranks of 9.8% of America.  I think it was the best thing to do, but when my additional month of pay runs out and I don't have another job lined up I think I will be really worried.  My only consolation is that Doris Day was unemployed in "That Touch of Mink" and then she met Cary Grant.  Maybe I will meet a Carey Grant too.  Someone to splash me with their car, fly me via personal jet, wine and dine me, get me a temporary job, and then take me to the Bahamas where I will live out the rest of my life.  Who knows, it might be possible, RIGHT?

Still Successful

Even though this has been a difficult two weeks I have still continued to lose weight.

Today's Tally: -16.2


Not to shabby. Another 10 and I will have lost a marathon worth.

Everybody was King-Fu Fighting

Well, not exactly, but it has a better right than :"Everybody was Hapkido Fighting."  As part of my recent therapy I have been privileged to take a self defense class.  It is an eight week long course.  I will openly admit that last Monday (the first day of class) I cried three times.  Luckily the snot was not flowing, but the poor substitute teacher was trying to be very gentle with me. Can I say "embarrassing?"  For some reason the front roll was my biggest enemy.  I couldn't get my body tucked under and kept landing right now my head.  Then my chin would go right into my chest making breathing nearly impossible and painful afterwards.  Needless to say I made it through the first class with lots of questions about how this was helpful.

I am happy you announce that Hapkido and I are now on speaking terms.  After lesson number two I can successfully roll forward without injury.  I can also roll backward perfectly on the first try.  I can kick, punch, and take you down tot he floor by twisting your wrists.  I am almost a lethal weapon.

Great Start!

I am happy to announce that in a little over 2 weeks I am lost 11 lbs.  I am continuing of the road to recovery.


Total loss:11 lbs.

Improvements

I went back to work this past Wednesday.  When I was given permission to go back slowly I was disappointed, but I was also very nervous about how I would handle being there.  I was only supposed to be at work for 4 hours a day.  That only worked for one day.  It just seemed extend with every day.  Although, I handled every day really well.  So, I went back to my caregivers and had them change it so that I am working full-time starting Monday.  I am actually very happy to be at work.  It is nice to feel productive again.  Just so you know...that baby picture is not one of my patients, but that is exactly how they look.  This is why I love my job.
Although I have seen a ton of improvement, I still have a few demons I am struggling with. Thank you for all the support.  I really appreciate it.  Things are moving in the right direction.
I am scheduled to close on the house on April 14th.  Since I am back to work full-time I can't think that there would be any hold ups.  I could be wrong, but everything has gone so smoothly up until now.  Yea! I can't wait to tackle that project.

Taking My Life Back

The past couple of days I have spent pondering my circumstances and how I have lost my motivation.  Yesterday I made the decision that I was going to take my physical life back.  Going to therapy is slowly bringing my emotional life back into play, but raking through my past has brought up a lot of feelings that I just haven't wanted to deal with, so I was running from them.  I did pretty good at running, until there was a big change in my life, a loss, or confronted interpersonal relationships.  Dreading through my baggage (as many would say) I have had a hard time dealing.  I suppose that I should be happy that I didn't become addicted to drugs or alcohol, but instead my numbing medicine has been food.

As an individual who has spent a lot of my life enjoying the great outdoors and participation in sports this weight gain has been extremely devastating.  I love to travel, but every foreign country I have been to has been more than willing to tell me to my face how "fat" I am.  I loved the people and know that to them it is like saying the sky is blue.  It still hurts though.

Yesterday, I made the decision that I needed to go to Weight Watchers.  I had attempted to do it at home for several months and instead of weight loss I have actually gained somewhere inbetween 60-80 lbs.  Devastating.  So, I am publicly announcing that I am going to take my emotional numbing by the horns and channel it into something more productive.  This morning I woke up and went to Weight Watchers scared to death that I might fail, but knowing that I can't live like this anymore.  Then I went to the gym and worked out on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes.  Followed by a trip to the grocery store to buy more fruits and vegetables.

Now I know that most of you don't really need to know my weight, but I am posting it here so that I can remind myself of my goal and my progress.  Plus, sometimes a little humbling is a motivator.

Current Weight: 300.2 lbs.

Goal: 173

;(

Support

I typically try to write about good things that are going on in my life on my blog.  Although, don't get me wrong I like to complain about the weather or some trivial items like an ingrown toenail, but recently life has been hard.  The past couple of days have felt especially hard.  I don't talk you all of you (being both family and friends) on a weekly or even monthly basis, so I am never sure who is aware of what.  I guess that I just feel like I need to know there are a few more prayers out there for me.  I am really struggling.

So that you know what you are praying about I will at least update you a little....leaving out some of the details.  I have been on a leave of absence from work since January 11th of this year.  Why?  Well, I have a Severe PTSD and Major Depression.  I have been going to therapy, taking medication, and trying to do the work to get better.  This past week I had to drop all of my classes that I was working on for my doctorate because I was getting failing grade.  I have noticed little signs that I am getting better, but I still have my setbacks.  This week I am feeling extremely sad and lonely.  I know that people love me, but sometimes it is really hard to feel it. I am trying to get myself back to work in the next couple of weeks and that is causing some stress.  I feel like I need some extra support and I am not sure how to get it.  If you could help me out I would really appreciate it.

Thanks.